Tweets From Last Night

So I finally figured out the best way to utilize my Twitter account that I've almost never used: I can use it to keep track of my thoughts during Sox games, woot woot! I'm pretty sure that last night's humiliating 0-5 loss (we still got this, don't worry Sox fans) gave me some pretty good material to work with here.

Editor's notes: Posts have been edited for punctuation and capitalization, both of which I am too lazy to consider while texting during one of the biggest nights of the year.

8:47 pm: It's only the second night of the playoffs, and I already want to beat George Lopez with an ironing board.

--TBS plays its first "Lopez Tonight" spot of the game; the station would plug the upcoming show four times during the game broadcast.

8:57: Guerrero, taking a pitch? WTF?

--Angels slugger Vladimir Guerrero doesn't swing at a pitch for the first time ever.

8:58: Marry me, Mike Lowell.

--Sox third baseman makes a beautiful diving play to rob Guerrero of a hit.

9:05 pm: Run out your fucking grounders, Papi.

--David Ortiz walks to first after grounding to Angels first baseman Kendry Morales. Lazy.

9:21: My girlfriend just witnessed my first angry outburst of the game...I think she's terrified.

--JD Drew watches a fat fastball for a strike, and I go ballistic.

9:34: I love when my mom calls during the game and I miss the Ellsbury interference call...love you too, Ma.

--I actually have no idea what happened on this play. Because I was on the phone. Grrr.

9:42: Really, Joe West? Was that REALLY a ball? You need to retire. Now.

--Home plate umpire West rules an obvious third strike to Torii Hunter a ball; Hunter then walks. And I go ballistic.

9:58: I hate these fucking umpires.

--First base ump CB Bucknor rules Angels second baseman Howie Kendrick safe at first, even though Youkilis clearly tagged him out. And I go ballistic.

10:02 pm: Way to fight, Jonny.

--Jon Lester records his fifth (and final) strikeout in his first four innings of work.

10:07: I want a divorce, Mike Lowell.

--Lowell grounds into a double play. And I go ballistic.

10:13: We need to get our throws to first on line, this is stupid.

--An easy throw to first base is off target for the third time in the game; Chone Figgins is safe on the play. You can probably guess how I react.

10:17: Girlfriend after Aybar reaches third: "You look sad..."

--Fairly self-explanatory.

10:19: Goddamnmotherfuckingshitballssonofabitch.

--Hunter hits a three-run homer for the first runs of the game.

10:41: I want full custody, Mike Lowell.

--Lowell throws away yet another out at first. And yes, I go ballistic.

10:46: Ellsbury makes me so happy, it's not even funny.

--Jacoby Ellsbury makes a gorgeous diving catch in center to save a run. And I go ballistic, but in a good way.

10:53: I want the house too, Mike Lowell.

--Lowell pops out behind the plate. Really not his night.

11:01 pm: At this point, Abeu should just bypass the batter's box and go straight to the basepaths.

--Angels right fielder draws his fourth walk of the game. And at this point, I just start getting depressed.

11:12: Just kidding, Mike Lowell, you can have the house.

--Lowell throws home and then receives the throw back at third to turn a double play that saves a run in a bases-loaded jam. And I smile a little bit inside.

11:15: I'm putting a hit out on you, Mike Lowell.

--Jason Bay's throw bounces off Lowell's glove and rolls away; two runs score, and I die a little bit inside.

11:34: Bard is making them look like they're swinging those swimming pool noodle thingies.

--Reliever Daniel Bard uses his 100-mph fastball to record a groundout and two K's in the ninth inning.

11:46: Goddamnmotherfuckingshitballssonofabitchskankasswhorevagina.

--Game over: Red Sox 0, Angels 5. And I go ballistic.

The Backseat GM's Guide To Postseason Success: Pt 2

Today's edition of The Backseat GM marks a slight departure from last week's pilot episode; while my last post focused on a young pitcher who will hopefully offer some much-needed bullpen relief in coming months, the way Boston has been handled by the ChiSox this weekend convinced me that pitching is not the only thing the team needs.

Boston was outscored 17-3 in the first two games of the Chicago series this weekend. That kind of offensive ineptitude just shouldn't happen against a team like the White Sox, who have somehow found a way to lose 69 games despite having the second-best ERA in the American League. Hell, we didn't even face Mark Buerhle this series; how do we only score three runs off of Freddy Garcia and Gavin Floyd?

GM Theo Epstein has put together an offensive lineup that has the potential to be the best in the Majors. Unfortunately for us, some of the pieces in that lineup--namely David Ortiz and Mike Lowell--have struggled with inconsistency, age, and injury this season. Even reigning MVP Dustin Pedroia has struggled at times this year. The Chicago series only proves that we won't be a realistic threat in the playoffs until we put together a more consistent offense. Manager Terry Francona needs players he can bring off the bench without sacrificing firepower; he needs...

2. Lars Anderson
Anderson has to be one of the unluckiest guys in professional baseball. The 21-year-old from Oakland possesses sublime offensive abilities and is a solid defensive first baseman with some experience in left field. He batted .303 in his first two years in the Minors, was listed as the 25th best prospect in baseball by MLB.com, and has been compared to Mets first baseman Carlos Delgado.

Of course, none of this makes him sound anything but blessed. The only problem is that he plays in the Red Sox organization; his path to the Majors is therefore blocked by the depth of the big club at his defensive positions. How is he going to play first base if Kevin Youkilis and Victor Martinez--both of whom play better defense than Anderson--are locked into the position for the foreseeable future? Anderson hasn't played left field since high school, so how would he break into an outfield patrolled by Jacoby Ellsbury, Jason Bay, and J.D. Drew?

None of these problems matter much when you look at Anderson's offensive scouting reports, however. He's a left-handed opposite-field slugger, meaning that his swing could not have been tailored any better for Fenway Park's Green Monstah in left field. He has a sweet power stroke but is not overanxious at the plate. His compact swing and knowledge of the strike zone are unusual tools for a batter his size (6 feet 4 inches, 210 pounds).

Anderson may not permanently make the Red Sox roster for a few years, but there is no reason why Theo should not call him up for the postseason. He can pinch-hit for Jason Varitek late in games, serving as an offensive upgrade off the bench similar to Jim Thome's new role for the Dodgers. If Ortiz continues to struggle to hit for average, Anderson can take over as designated hitter (because you can't really be a DH if you can't, you know, hit). This kid has almost unlimited potential at the plate; we need to use him instead of keeping him locked away in the Minors.