Tweets From Last Night

So I finally figured out the best way to utilize my Twitter account that I've almost never used: I can use it to keep track of my thoughts during Sox games, woot woot! I'm pretty sure that last night's humiliating 0-5 loss (we still got this, don't worry Sox fans) gave me some pretty good material to work with here.

Editor's notes: Posts have been edited for punctuation and capitalization, both of which I am too lazy to consider while texting during one of the biggest nights of the year.

8:47 pm: It's only the second night of the playoffs, and I already want to beat George Lopez with an ironing board.

--TBS plays its first "Lopez Tonight" spot of the game; the station would plug the upcoming show four times during the game broadcast.

8:57: Guerrero, taking a pitch? WTF?

--Angels slugger Vladimir Guerrero doesn't swing at a pitch for the first time ever.

8:58: Marry me, Mike Lowell.

--Sox third baseman makes a beautiful diving play to rob Guerrero of a hit.

9:05 pm: Run out your fucking grounders, Papi.

--David Ortiz walks to first after grounding to Angels first baseman Kendry Morales. Lazy.

9:21: My girlfriend just witnessed my first angry outburst of the game...I think she's terrified.

--JD Drew watches a fat fastball for a strike, and I go ballistic.

9:34: I love when my mom calls during the game and I miss the Ellsbury interference call...love you too, Ma.

--I actually have no idea what happened on this play. Because I was on the phone. Grrr.

9:42: Really, Joe West? Was that REALLY a ball? You need to retire. Now.

--Home plate umpire West rules an obvious third strike to Torii Hunter a ball; Hunter then walks. And I go ballistic.

9:58: I hate these fucking umpires.

--First base ump CB Bucknor rules Angels second baseman Howie Kendrick safe at first, even though Youkilis clearly tagged him out. And I go ballistic.

10:02 pm: Way to fight, Jonny.

--Jon Lester records his fifth (and final) strikeout in his first four innings of work.

10:07: I want a divorce, Mike Lowell.

--Lowell grounds into a double play. And I go ballistic.

10:13: We need to get our throws to first on line, this is stupid.

--An easy throw to first base is off target for the third time in the game; Chone Figgins is safe on the play. You can probably guess how I react.

10:17: Girlfriend after Aybar reaches third: "You look sad..."

--Fairly self-explanatory.

10:19: Goddamnmotherfuckingshitballssonofabitch.

--Hunter hits a three-run homer for the first runs of the game.

10:41: I want full custody, Mike Lowell.

--Lowell throws away yet another out at first. And yes, I go ballistic.

10:46: Ellsbury makes me so happy, it's not even funny.

--Jacoby Ellsbury makes a gorgeous diving catch in center to save a run. And I go ballistic, but in a good way.

10:53: I want the house too, Mike Lowell.

--Lowell pops out behind the plate. Really not his night.

11:01 pm: At this point, Abeu should just bypass the batter's box and go straight to the basepaths.

--Angels right fielder draws his fourth walk of the game. And at this point, I just start getting depressed.

11:12: Just kidding, Mike Lowell, you can have the house.

--Lowell throws home and then receives the throw back at third to turn a double play that saves a run in a bases-loaded jam. And I smile a little bit inside.

11:15: I'm putting a hit out on you, Mike Lowell.

--Jason Bay's throw bounces off Lowell's glove and rolls away; two runs score, and I die a little bit inside.

11:34: Bard is making them look like they're swinging those swimming pool noodle thingies.

--Reliever Daniel Bard uses his 100-mph fastball to record a groundout and two K's in the ninth inning.

11:46: Goddamnmotherfuckingshitballssonofabitchskankasswhorevagina.

--Game over: Red Sox 0, Angels 5. And I go ballistic.